Bisbee Breakfast Club in Tucson, AZ

You have heard this story a thousand times before. Five high school students, all different stereotypes, meet in detention, where they pour their hearts out to each other, and discover that, despite all of their differences, their school library is actually a Pizza Hut.

The nerd, the jock, the misfit, the arsonist, and the girl who can put lipstick on with her boobs. I think that covers every possible high school stereotype in 1985.

I forget most of that movie, but I do remember that the entire thing took place in a Hut in Tucson, Arizona. You may have forgotten about the deleted last scene of the movie, when Judd Nelson re-enters the Pizza Hut to begin his career as a delivery driver.

Anyway, that is a great movie and Bisbee Breakfast Club in Tucson, AZ is a great UTBAPH. Many thanks to Terry for sending this in. 

House of Gyro, Salad & Hamburger in Hermitage, TN

When it comes to bizarre restaurant naming, seemingly haphazard and unrelated menu items, and ridiculous minimum credit card amounts, Greek places really have the market cornered. House of Gyro, Salad, and Hamburger in Hermitage, TN (just outside of Nashville) is no exception. When you have to refer to the AP Stylebook to figure out whether or not the Oxford comma belongs in your restaurant name, it is probably time to consider shortening the name.

And I know that it is tempting to include menu items in your restaurant name, but let's leave it at just one item, sort of like the previous tenants of this building did (Pizza Hut, in case you were left confused here).

"Hey Tony we have Coke products here, too. Should we call it 'House of Gyro, Salad, Hamburger, Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, and Daily Rotating Specials (Generally Soups But Sometimes Dessert Items)' instead?"

I will answer for Tony. No. No you should not. Because what happens when the box of Sprite syrup goes dry? Now you have to get a new sign. 

Shoulda thought that one through, Tony.

And I don't know what it is, but every Greek restaurant seems to have a minimum credit card charge, assuming they take credit at all. I always feel like I am at a blackjack table when I see the "$10 MINIMUM" sign near the counter. I don't carry cash, on account of being completely broke, on account of being a blogger, on account of being bullied in middle school. Why do Greek restaurants have to discriminate against bloggers? Now I have to order at least $10 worth of food by myself (again, blogger) and get even fatter than I already am (yep, blogger).

Thanks to Trevor, for sending this in and then quickly deciding what to order from the menu before even setting foot in the restaurant. 

Rice Inn in Bethel Park, PA

Bethel Park, a suburb of Pittsburgh, PA, is the home to many great things, including, but not limited to, Rick Sebak, a national championship high school hockey team, and, of course, an UTBAPH.

If you are thinking what I was thinking when I first became aware of this UTBAPH, which is that it is odd to name a restaurant after poison, well, rest assured, there is no actual ricin used in any of the food prepared at the Rice Inn. On the contrary, the food at the Rice Inn is quite delicious.

Given the name, you might think that local news guy (and owner of the best eyebrows this side of the Mississippi) Ken Rice, of the Pittsburgh CBS affiliate KDKA, is an owner of the Rice Inn. But you would be wrong, as usual (although there is a rumor that Condoleezza Rice sits on the board of directors).

Yours truly hanging out with Ken Rice at the Rice Inn

Still, Ken and I met up at the Rice Inn so that he and a cameraman could watch my terribly unruly kids and embarrassed wife try, unsuccessfully, to eat with chopsticks and act like a normal family. Fun times. Hopefully they lost the footage.

Ken proceeded to ask me all kinds of questions about UTBAPHs. Questions like:

• "What is wrong with you?"
• "Aren't there much better things to be doing with your time?"
• "Do your kids get made fun of at school because their daddy is a blogger?"
• "Can you please stop jabbing me in the eyebrows with chopsticks?"

And I like to think that Ken learned a lot that day, not just about UTBAPHs, but also about why you should never try to put a socially inept, introverted blogger on TV.

The Yakima County Morgue in Yakima, WA

When I think of UTBAPHs, I think of death. Work with me here.

The death of a Pizza Hut, sad as it may be, almost always leads to a resurrection of sorts, often in the form of a Mexican restaurant, custom trophy shop, or flooring place.

With respect to the deceased, I don't know that I could think of a better place to be temporarily interred than an UTBAPH (and I am not just saying that because my friends have called my obsession with former Pizza Huts "deeply troubling, at best").

The Yakima County Morgue may not be flashy (or, even, adequately marked), but what it lacks in showiness, it more than makes up for in utility. For one, the walk-in cooler, I think it is fair to assume, is put to good use in this UTBAPH. Moreover, identifying a loved one with the benefit of a heat lamp is probably adequate, at least, but maybe even somewhat comforting (lots of speculation in this post).

So the point is that if you do have to die, what better place to do so than Yakima. It might even be better than living there (no offense, living people of Yakima).

Thanks to Anna for sending this one in.

Update: I am told that this is no longer operating as the morgue, so we will see what it becomes in its next afterlife. Stay tuned.