Sam's Seafood & Grill in Halifax, Nova Scotia

Unless you are two-time Stanley Cup winning forward Sidney Crosby, you have probably never actually been to the Pizza Hut in Halifax, Nova Scotia. Not because it wasn't a fantastic place to get snowballs on pizza, or whatever it is they serve as toppings in the Great White North, but because it closed, sadly, several years back.

Now, I know what you are thinking (thanks to a deal I made with the NSA that I am REALLY not supposed to talk about). You are thinking: how do moths survive as a species, if, as soon as I swat at one of them, they turn immediately into dust?

(It is kind of weird that I knew that you were thinking that, right?)

But, besides the moth/dust conundrum, you were probably also thinking about why, in the name of all that is white and snowy, a Pizza Hut would just up and close, especially in an uproariously fun town like Halifax, Nova Scotia.

The answer, my friend, is simple. Probably. I just don't know. Might have had something to do with economies of scale, the sunken cost fallacy, exchange rates, a chimpanzee named Larry, and a lost bet that one man couldn't potty train a moose.

That's all just a guess, obviously. The chimpanzee may have been named Barry.

But, either way, the Pizza Hut in Halifax stuffed its last crust, burnt its last mouth, and washed its last red cup a few years back and some swashbuckler, presumably named Sam (but you know how bad I am at guessing names), opened a new restaurant in its place -- the proudly named Sam's Seafood and Grill.

Nestled between a Wonder Bread truck and a dumpster, in a setup not all that dissimilar to my own digestive tract, Sam's looks to provide quality seafood at a reasonable price to the good people of Halifax. Recognizability as an UTBAPH doesn't trouble Sam, who brazenly slaps his own sign atop the lettering of the former tenant in a defiant act of not really giving a shit.

So here's to Sam, seafood, grills, Wonder Bread, and a chimpanzee named Larry.

Any many thanks to our fair foreign friend Dom for sending this to us.

IDA Pharmacy in Calgary, Alberta (Canada, eh?)

Alright you wacky Canadians aren't off the hook. I know you have some solid UTBAPHs hiding up there in America's freezer section.

IDA Pharmacy in Calgary? That'll do!

Now I don't want to get all high and mighty, but here in America, where we do things the right way, our pharmacies mostly sell things that make you even sicker, like Mountain Dew, Cheese Puffs, and get-well cards.

So I don't know what you Canadians are doing up there in your pharmacies, but you are probably using them for something boring, like getting healthier. Hah! We scoff at you and your long, happy, satisfied (but freezing cold) lives!

So this IDA Pharmacy, in all of its UTBAPH glory, peddling all of its reasonably-priced medicine to people actually looking to improve their health, is ridicule-worthy on a nationally-famous, award winning blog. Or this blog. Whichever.

The point is, look at that snowy haven of health. It has come a long way from its days as a Pizza Hut (www.pizzahut.ca), selling fresh caribou cheese curd pizza with french fries and gravy on top, eh?

I am pleased that our friend Daniel was kind enough to submit this UTBAPH for our amusement. Let us all thank Daniel by politely saying "excuse me" and then hitting the pond for a curling tournament.

Q104 (CKQV) Radio Station in Kenora, Ontario

They might pump out today's hottest music now, but, at one time, the headquarters for Q104 in Kenora, Ontario, pumped out yesterday's hottest pizza.

You can actually listen to Q104 online, and I encourage you all to do so. Not because Top 40 music is particularly interesting (or even listenable), but because you -- as a reader of this atrocity of a blog penned by a guy who barely passed high school English classes -- are obviously a glutton for horrible content.

Listen here:

http://goldenweststreaming.com/ckqv_stream/

I am not going to lie. I am not a big fan of Top 40 music. Call me a snob, or an elitist, or "someone with ears who is over the age of 8," but I just think that music, especially music that is interspersed with more advertisements than the inside of a city bus, should not be completely god-awful.

That said, I really wish for the best for our friends at Q104 in Kenora. As the only radio station in our entire catalog of UTBAPHs (so far), I am kind of rooting for them to do what the Pizza Hut in this location failed to do, and what this very blog strives to do: sell crap to the masses. So, from the greatest comedy of all time, I want to offer this message to my friends at Q104:

Many thanks to Ryan, who has a face for radio, for sending this one in.

Avocado Fresh Mexican Grill in Saskatoon, Canada

Look closely. No, closer. Put your greasy nose right up against that work monitor. Do you see it? This is a tricky one.
Maybe in the days before the internet, you could get away with something like this. A few passers by may do a double take, but they would keep riding up the road on their elk to whatever the other restaurant is in Saskatoon (I assume there are two), and maybe make brief mention of how that place they passed "looked like it used to be something else, eh?" Which would be met with the standard Canadian response of, "What are you talking aboot?"
But in 2014, you can't just throw some stained lumber around a signature roof hump and not expect some overly specific blog run by a likable (if not somewhat pudgy) guy with way too much spare time to call you out on your literal facade attempting to hide your history. Nay, the internet has come calling, and it demands the truth. Fess up, Avocado. We all know what you are hiding.Alright, now get your nose off the monitor. Your coworkers are all staring at you.

HUB Insurance in Kamloops, British Columbia

I can't quite figure out why there are mountains in the background of Kamloops, BC that look like the roofline of an old Pizza Hut, but who cares. That's awesome. 

There is no mistaking this HUB Insurance location (submitted by Mark) for anything other than a former Pizza Hut. A quick paint job on the roof (and I would be surprised if the old Pizza Hut sign wasn't underneath the big sign on the roof hump) is really all that was done to this one. I bet you even get some breadsticks with your term life insurance.

First Auto Sales in Prince George, British Columbia

It really looks like there are actually cars INSIDE this old Pizza Hut, which would make it the first time I saw a car in a Pizza Hut since that time Charlene got the pedals confused in her Cavalier!

What is more embarrassing than a career hawking used cars? A career hawking used cars inside an old Pizza Hut. No chance that anyone who works here shows up at high school reunions.

Chinese Hut in Toronto, Ontario

Wow wow wow. Keeping the word Hut in the name. I can't even begin to comment. I love the extra flare on the roof-line. For really just running with it and getting the angled neon window signs to boot, this is an excellent specimen.

Guarantee that whatever this place serves is way better than Pizza Hut pizza.

Licks in Pickering, Ontario

Based on the name alone, I would guessed this was some type of gentlemen's establishment, but the non-plywooded-over windows have me questioning that. Whatever it is, kudos for the vertical shutters trying to hide the signature angled windows of the old Pizza Hut.