The Country Biscuit Restaurant in New Bern, NC

Normally when an UTBAPH located in some Podunk town is submitted, I make fun of the little town, and, by extension, the submitter of said UTBAPH.

(Side note, you should really follow the link above to learn more about Podunk, then get lost on Wikipedia researching all kinds of useless crap until you get bored and come back to this fantastic site.)

I am going to waive my normal mocking tradition today, and for a special reason. This particular gem of an UTBAPH was submitted by my particular gem of a mother, from her particular gem of a hometown. 

You might be starting to see why this poses an issue for my standard format. 

So instead of making fun of The Country Biscuit or New Bern, North Carolina, and the lovely people living there, I will simply say that this is one fine UTBAPH. See for yourself:

I bet you can get some delicious food here. I, for one, love southern cooking. It is like regular cooking, only if you took away the real food part of the food and replaced it with something amounting, in terms of all physical properties, to fried butter. The only way to get the south to stop loving trans fat is if they thought that it had something to do with Caitlyn Jenner.

It looks like they stacked some HVAC equipment up there on the roof hump. Hey, have at it, Country Biscuit. You are the ruler of this domain now. Stack some more crap up there. Maybe a few of those old wooden console TV sets that, when they break, you don't know whether to call an electrician or a carpenter.

But I digress. I really do love New Bern, North Carolina. And trans fat. And wooden TVs.

Special thanks to my Mom, not only for sending this one in, but for being the biggest (possibly only) fan of this blog, and for, you know, my entire existence.

Seafood & Chicken Express in Meridian, MS

Now here is a quality UTBAPH. I take my participation in the chicken-and-seafood-eating community very seriously. I have deviated (haven't we all, in weaker moments?) to other forms of food here and there, but I always find my way back to seafood, chicken, and the best of both worlds: the confusingly-named Chicken of the Sea brand tuna.

There aren't many places that cater, specifically, to those of us who prefer our poultry and pike-fish, our white meat and walleye, our fowl and flounder, our (I ran out of words for chicken already) and mackerel, but, to the establishments that do, I salute you.

Because, honestly -- and I am saying this as a person who may or may not have a combination of salmonella and mercury poisoning -- who the hell likes steak anyway? Thick, tender, juicy, delicious steak barely even sounds appetizing to me. What I am looking for is chicken and seafood, as quickly as it can be prepared while still (barely) being safe to consume.

If you are looking for the same thing, then look no further than Seafood & Chicken Express in Meridian, MS.

Submitted by our dear friend and fellow semi-vegetarian Steve Ross, the original floor-to-ceiling corner windows on this UTBAPH are glorious. It just feels like you could go and stand in that corner and look out on the world like a fish in a tank, waiting to be plucked from your safe haven, fried to order, and eaten by a grumpy fat dude in two bites. What a way to go.

If I ever find myself lost in Mississippi, as soon as I get done berating my travel agent and exhausting all other options for escaping, I will try to make my way over to Seafood & Chicken Express, stand in the corner window, and dream about a perfectly grilled filet mignon piece of chicken.

Pizza Planet in Mobridge, SD

It only makes sense for an UTBAPH to become another pizza place. Sure, a well-known pizza chain with worldwide brand recognition and franchise backing situated at the exact same location selling the exact same product failed just months (sometimes days) earlier, but I would attribute all of that to "bad luck" and "lack of innovation in finding more places to stuff cheese into pizza."

"Maybe we can fool people into thinking that we are the same well-known pizza restaurant that they, as a community, had already shunned into financial failure," says one truly delusional prospective small business owner to himself, as he (if he has any foresight whatsoever) downloads the correct forms to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy and saves them in a folder on his desktop called "Business Plans for the Upcoming Year."

"Maybe if we keep the word 'Pizza' and just cover up the word 'Hut' with a picture of a planet, we can narrowly escape being sued by our predecessor, thereby ensuring that our failure comes directly from a complete lack of sales, and not litigation."

In 2014, that is considered "success."

If you have followed this so far, and nodded your head along with those ideas, panting and slobbering all the while, you might be an overheating dog, in need of some water. Find your owner and remedy that, and, upon doing so, return to browsing funny blogs on the iPad while pretending to nap. We all know what you dogs are up to.

But for the rest of us, who are well aware of the fallacies of the aforementioned plan, I would like to show you the full execution of such a plan, located in Mobridge, South Dakota.

Behold, friends (and dogs), the Pizza Planet:

I can't imagine the surprise of the good people of Mobridge when they drove past the old Pizza Hut and found, in its place, a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT restaurant bearing only SLIGHT RESEMBLANCE to some other DISTANT MEMORY of a pizza chain that had just closed days earlier.

As the disguise is quite heavy on this UTBAPH, allow me to bring you back in time (thanks to Google Street View) to see what used to be:

It is hard to see if your eyeballs fell out in an unfortunate "sneezing while getting LASIK" incident, but for the rest of us, I think it is pretty clear what is going on here. I did some digging and came across the alternate set of concepts for the Pizza Planet re-branding, in case you are curious.

Thanks to our good friend Bryan for sending this one in.

No Name Pizza in Beaufort, NC

I recently took a trip down to Beaufort, NC. I had been told tales of a legendary UTBAPH in Beaufort called "No Name Pizza." Obviously, I had to make a stop to check this gem out in person.

Yours truly in front of No Name Pizza in Beaufort, NC

Regarding the unusual name (or, lack of name, depending on how you see it), I was told by a local that it was a Greek guy that owned the place, and, when asked what he wanted on the sign for his pizza shop, he said, "No name!"

Now if there is one thing I know, it is that you should never argue with a Greek guy, lest they unleash their buddy Yanni on you. Yanni, legend has it, can kill a man with a slingshot and an olive pit from up to 4 kilometers away. But I digress.

The point is, I guess the sign maker in this story also knew of Yanni's projectile prowess and opted instead to take the pizza shop owner literally. The rest, as they say, doesn't involve Yanni and is therefore completely uninteresting to Greek people.

Thanks for the submission, Ken.

Bisbee Breakfast Club in Tucson, AZ

You have heard this story a thousand times before. Five high school students, all different stereotypes, meet in detention, where they pour their hearts out to each other, and discover that, despite all of their differences, their school library is actually a Pizza Hut.

The nerd, the jock, the misfit, the arsonist, and the girl who can put lipstick on with her boobs. I think that covers every possible high school stereotype in 1985.

I forget most of that movie, but I do remember that the entire thing took place in a Hut in Tucson, Arizona. You may have forgotten about the deleted last scene of the movie, when Judd Nelson re-enters the Pizza Hut to begin his career as a delivery driver.

Anyway, that is a great movie and Bisbee Breakfast Club in Tucson, AZ is a great UTBAPH. Many thanks to Terry for sending this in. 

House of Gyro, Salad & Hamburger in Hermitage, TN

When it comes to bizarre restaurant naming, seemingly haphazard and unrelated menu items, and ridiculous minimum credit card amounts, Greek places really have the market cornered. House of Gyro, Salad, and Hamburger in Hermitage, TN (just outside of Nashville) is no exception. When you have to refer to the AP Stylebook to figure out whether or not the Oxford comma belongs in your restaurant name, it is probably time to consider shortening the name.

And I know that it is tempting to include menu items in your restaurant name, but let's leave it at just one item, sort of like the previous tenants of this building did (Pizza Hut, in case you were left confused here).

"Hey Tony we have Coke products here, too. Should we call it 'House of Gyro, Salad, Hamburger, Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, and Daily Rotating Specials (Generally Soups But Sometimes Dessert Items)' instead?"

I will answer for Tony. No. No you should not. Because what happens when the box of Sprite syrup goes dry? Now you have to get a new sign. 

Shoulda thought that one through, Tony.

And I don't know what it is, but every Greek restaurant seems to have a minimum credit card charge, assuming they take credit at all. I always feel like I am at a blackjack table when I see the "$10 MINIMUM" sign near the counter. I don't carry cash, on account of being completely broke, on account of being a blogger, on account of being bullied in middle school. Why do Greek restaurants have to discriminate against bloggers? Now I have to order at least $10 worth of food by myself (again, blogger) and get even fatter than I already am (yep, blogger).

Thanks to Trevor, for sending this in and then quickly deciding what to order from the menu before even setting foot in the restaurant. 

Rice Inn in Bethel Park, PA

Bethel Park, a suburb of Pittsburgh, PA, is the home to many great things, including, but not limited to, Rick Sebak, a national championship high school hockey team, and, of course, an UTBAPH.

If you are thinking what I was thinking when I first became aware of this UTBAPH, which is that it is odd to name a restaurant after poison, well, rest assured, there is no actual ricin used in any of the food prepared at the Rice Inn. On the contrary, the food at the Rice Inn is quite delicious.

Given the name, you might think that local news guy (and owner of the best eyebrows this side of the Mississippi) Ken Rice, of the Pittsburgh CBS affiliate KDKA, is an owner of the Rice Inn. But you would be wrong, as usual (although there is a rumor that Condoleezza Rice sits on the board of directors).

Yours truly hanging out with Ken Rice at the Rice Inn

Still, Ken and I met up at the Rice Inn so that he and a cameraman could watch my terribly unruly kids and embarrassed wife try, unsuccessfully, to eat with chopsticks and act like a normal family. Fun times. Hopefully they lost the footage.

Ken proceeded to ask me all kinds of questions about UTBAPHs. Questions like:

• "What is wrong with you?"
• "Aren't there much better things to be doing with your time?"
• "Do your kids get made fun of at school because their daddy is a blogger?"
• "Can you please stop jabbing me in the eyebrows with chopsticks?"

And I like to think that Ken learned a lot that day, not just about UTBAPHs, but also about why you should never try to put a socially inept, introverted blogger on TV.

Cafe Silvestre in Salt Lake City, UT

If you look carefully at the sign for the Cafe Silvestre, you will notice that they feature "Homemade Mexican Food." I, for one, have always taken exception to the phrase "homemade" in reference to a restaurant. "Homemade" should mean that it was made in a home; a home being a place of residence, where people live, bathe, sleep, watch TV, and, when no one is looking, pick their noses.

So seeing this claim plastered so proudly on the giant sign has me wondering, amongst many other things, what in the world is going on at the Cafe Silvestre?

Regardless, it is nice to see the great state of Utah finally making an appearance on the blog, no thanks to you bums. I found this one myself by doing a Google Maps satellite view scan of the country (zoomed out to the state level -- I'm that good).

Zia's Caffe in Kaneohe, HI

When your backdrop is a volcano and you are on an island one rogue wave away from being Atlantis, it is hard to say if you will even be alive tomorrow, so why worry about petty details like whether or not your friendly neighborhood cafe is hiding a dirty secret past.

But hey, this alleged UTBAPH has an upstairs. Pizza Huts didn't have an upstairs. 

Get it together, man! Don't let this facade fool you. You are smarter than that. Or, at least, your mom tells everyone you are.

Despite the extra fancy paint job by David, the submitter, to make that look like real brick on the second floor, the "upstairs" is faker than my interest in whatever people are talking about at parties other than old Pizza Huts.

I am not saying that this isn't a nice place -- it may well be. Just make sure you know what you are getting into with this one. Who knows what other secrets they are hiding. *coughdeadbodiesinthefreezercough*

Jake's Wayback Burgers in Monroe, NY

When you are in Monroe, NY, your options are limited in the food department, as well as the "finding something to do" department. When the Pizza Hut in Monroe closed a while back, it sat empty for a long time; a stark reminder of what once was.But that is not the end of the story, my friend. Thanks to what I assume was some kind of mix of drugs and unwarranted optimism, somebody decided to give the old Pizza Hut location another go, this time as a burger place called Jake's Wayback Burgers. There was definitely some effort put into masking this location, but I assume that most of the effort went into displacing the junkies who had, undoubtedly, turned this place into some sort of hobo storage facility during the long lull between legitimate business ventures. 

I have never been to a Jake's Wayback Burgers, mostly because I don't (and never will) trust people named Jake who aren't dogs. And, also, partially, because I have no idea what makes a burger a "wayback" burger, but I assume that expired ground beef is somehow involved. And then there is just the simple fact that there aren't any Jake's Wayback Burgers near where I live. OK, maybe that last one is the biggest reason. Although guys named Jake that aren't dogs are still on my watch list.Extra thanks to a guy named Charles who is not a dog (or, possibly, is a dog with excellent email communication and photo-taking capabilities) for sending this one in.

Tampa Luv Chicken & Waffles in Tampa, FL

Before you try to scrounge together enough taxi fare to get down to Tampa to check out Tampa Luv, I should warn you that this place has gone the way of the Dodo. Sad, too, because the reviews were pretty good, despite the odd name.

Sent to us by Wendy, this UTBAPH is rocking some serious trapezoids. Looks like the roof hump may have been lanced off at some point. Hopefully some alert reader can help us track down what it becomes next.

Dragon China in Moraine, OH

Submitted by Danny, Dragon China in Moraine, Ohio is a great UTBAPH. First of all, Chinese restaurants love making it very clear exactly what they are, using a small, repeating set of words in their names (dragon, king, jade, garden, buffet, dynasty, rice, wok, super, China). Basically, pick two random words from that list, buy an old Pizza Hut, and you have everything it takes to open your own Chinese restaurant.Just to illustrate my point, here is a list of a few random combinations of the words above:

• Dragon Buffet
• Super China
• Rice Garden
• King Dragon
• Jade Garden
• Dynasty Buffet
• Rice Wok

If some of those names look familiar to you, it is because I just named 75% of all of the Chinese restaurants in North America (the other 25% are P.F. Changs).The second thing that makes this particular UTBAPH so great is that they kept that original roof. That shiny, metallic-looking original roof is really going extinct these days, and it is good to come across a restauranteur who has too much of a sense of history (and/or is too lazy) to replace the roof.And then, thirdly, I love how China has one font. You know exactly which font I mean. It is as if the whole of China had a meeting one day and just decided, "This is our font. We will use it on soy sauce packets, chopsticks, restaurant signage, menus, and, yes, even video games from now on."

So next time you are in Moraine, Ohio, or, hell, even in Dayton proper, do yourself a favor and get down to the Super China Double Dragon Garden Rice Wok Dynasty Buffet. Or whatever the hell it was called.

La Parrilla Rotisserie & Grill in Margate, FL

First off, thanks to Napa Auto Parts for sponsoring this post inadvertently. Yes, we see you, Napa, and we are all really impressed by those dorky little trucks you guys drive around with hats on them. 

I am more of a Pep Boys kind of guy myself, but I mean, hey, hats on trucks. You guys obviously know a thing or two about car parts. That is a part I didn't even know existed.

But I digress. La Parilla Rotisserie & Grill in Margate, FL has the best of both worlds: A rotisserie, for that slow cooked goodness, and a grill, for when you don't feel like waiting 8 and a half hours for some chicken.

Not to be all over the place with this post, but I have to stop my normal banter here and ask you, the reader, a very serious question. Don't make direct eye contact, but see that guy against the building, just beyond the Napa sign? Is that Tubbs?

Yeah, I thought so too. Don't blow his cover. I think he is on a stakeout of some kind. Anyway, this place used to be a Pizza Hut. Sorry I never got around to discussing that more, but I feel like maybe you had already deduced that given your ability to put context clues together. 

Avocado Fresh Mexican Grill in Saskatoon, Canada

Look closely. No, closer. Put your greasy nose right up against that work monitor. Do you see it? This is a tricky one.
Maybe in the days before the internet, you could get away with something like this. A few passers by may do a double take, but they would keep riding up the road on their elk to whatever the other restaurant is in Saskatoon (I assume there are two), and maybe make brief mention of how that place they passed "looked like it used to be something else, eh?" Which would be met with the standard Canadian response of, "What are you talking aboot?"
But in 2014, you can't just throw some stained lumber around a signature roof hump and not expect some overly specific blog run by a likable (if not somewhat pudgy) guy with way too much spare time to call you out on your literal facade attempting to hide your history. Nay, the internet has come calling, and it demands the truth. Fess up, Avocado. We all know what you are hiding.Alright, now get your nose off the monitor. Your coworkers are all staring at you.

El Canelo in Erie, PA

According to Jason, the submitter, El Canelo Mexican Restaurant in Erie, PA is frequently in the paper for health code violations. They say that no publicity is bad publicity, which proves that "they" don't read the section of the newspaper that deals with minor problems like "mice" and "feces" in "kitchens."

And, hey, who are we to say that we don't probably have some mice living in our own kitchens? And what are we supposed to do, ask them not to poop everywhere? Especially in the improperly refrigerated meat? I have met some friendly mice in my day, and not one showed any proclivity to use so much as a chamber pot.

So we can sit here in our own unclean kitchens and scoff at El Canelo for its supposed violations, or we can ignore all of that, Like UTBAPH on Facebook and follow @UTBAPH on Twitter. You decide which way you want to go here.

Nirlep Indian Restaurant in Charleston, SC

There are not tons of options when it comes to Indian food in Charleston, SC according to Charles, who sent this one our way. That may be so, but even if the entire city of Charleston were one big curry-smelling metropolis of nothing but Indian restaurants (and, hopefully some strategically placed public restrooms), I still know where I would go for my Personal Pan Paratha.Nirlep Indian Restaurant gets some pretty rave reviews on Foursquare, but I am sure you could have already guessed that. All good Indian restaurants have a booth where the owner has his laptop and is working as if that booth is his office. Since this place probably has tons of booths, I suspect that it fits that requirement.

El Tucan Mexican Restaurant in Cincinnati, OH

Despite what the sign says, this place is currently "El Tucan," a Mexican Restaurant in Cincinnati, OH. Submitted by Mike, apparently this place changes names/owners on a frequent basis. At some point, a lot of renovations were done, rending it largely unrecognizable as a former Pizza Hut, but no matter. We are not here to judge. Oh wait, no, that is exactly what we are here to do.But I digress. The important thing here is that El Tucan, (or Plaza, for all of you people still living in last Tuesday) is going strong as a former Pizza Hut. I have seen a few UTBAPHs with the area of skylights before, so I am wondering if those are not part of the original structure. It almost looks like a big shitty Mexican place ate an old Pizza Hut in one bite, and still has a little bit of its meal hanging on its lip.Or something. Come back next week, when this is something else altogether.

Lazy Moe's in Forest Hill, Victoria, Australia

There is an awesome rumor that this place used to be called "Flaming Moe's," but, due to legal intervention, the name of this Australian former Pizza Hut had to be changed. So, for those who don't know, this is Flaming Moe's:

And I managed to grab this super secret security camera screen grab of the FOX lawyers putting the kibosh on the whole operation:Now, of course, this is all hearsay and conjecture, which (as we know) are kinds of evidence, right Lionel?So we don't (and probably won't) ever know the real backstory behind the name "Lazy Moe's," but we do know the backstory of the building itself, and, in case the suspense is killing you, this place used to be a Pizza Hut. Screened-in deck or chicken coop? You be the judge. Either way, I want to buy food and libations form a self-proclaimed lazy restauranteur, because we all know that they won't be cutting any corners when it comes to food quality and safety.Thanks to David for the submission. 

Domino's Pizza/Fish Feast in Gosnells, Western Australia

Some bizarre oversight in Australian Pizza Hut upper management led to two Pizza Huts being like a block and a half apart from each other in Gosnells, Western Australia. I, for one, am glad about this obvious screwup, because it gives us two posts in a row about two different UTBAPHs that are basically next door neighbors.Now, on top of that, we have ourselves a good old fashioned Western Australian double (nay, triple) whammy what with something called "Fish Feast" (complete with drive-thru) taking up a solid 1/3 of the former Pizza Hut (insert the knife) and a Domino's taking over the remaining two thirds (twist the blade). I say it every time, but there is something poetic about the Pizza Hut to Domino's transition. Were Henry David Thoreau still around, I have little doubt that he would have much to say on the topic.(For the record, I tried to find a famous Australian poet to fill in that reference, but ended up getting caught up laughing too hard about the Crocodile Hunter asking someone "What rhymes with 'G'day'?" to complete the search. So yeah, stereotypes of Australia are alive and well, in my brain. Perhaps I will visit someday to drink a Fosters and ride around in a kangaroo pouch to really learn more about the culture.)Thanks to Mike for the submission.

Nero's in Gosnells, Australia

Don't let the big "Now Open" sign fool you. Nero's, sadly, is closed. But fear not, Gosnellians. I am told that a new place has opened up in this spot that is Indian/Italian. Yes, you read that right, and no, I have literally no idea what that could possibly mean. Tandoori Chicken Cacciatore? Curry Alfredo? Pasta Biryani? Maybe the submitter, Mike, can shed some light.

Whatever the hell it is, our team of researchers is working hard to get an updated photo of this place. We will keep you posted.