The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon Did Not Used to Be a Pizza Hut

The Tonight Show, in all of its incarnations, wheelings, dealings, and disgruntled former ginger hosts, was never a Pizza Hut.

So why is it on this blog? That is the question that I had, when, a few days ago, I noticed some traffic on the site coming from NBC/Universal HQ.

Things got even stranger when, out of the blue, an email hit my inbox asking me for a few photos of UTBAPHs that could be used on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon.

Now, had this been Jimmy Kimmel, I might have slid the email into my "Wasn't that the guy from the Man Show?" folder and that would have been that.

But this was no Jimmy Kimmel. This was the real deal. The actual Jimmy Fallon's producer's underling's intern's assistant's helper was emailing ME!

So I did what any self-respecting blogger would do. I cleared off the rest of my calendar (there were some Pringles crumbs on it from dinner the night before) and got in my car. There were UTBAPHs to be photographed.

"Why not just use the photos that are on your website already?" you might ask. I mean, the assumption is that they only contacted me in the first place because, in case you didn't notice, I have the world's largest collection of photos of places that used to be Pizza Huts.

It has something to do with rights and lawyers and Google suing the pants off of Jimmy Fallon if he uses Street View screen shots. Fortunately, I am allowed to use these images on my blog because of a little provision of the law called "Fair Use," which, translated from weird legalese mumbo-jumbo, means that nobody actually looks at this blog and I can do whatever the hell I want on it, as long as it keeps me from acting out in real life. Or something. My therapist is not exactly a legal expert.

So here I was, on a road trip photographing UTBAPHs, like some kind of hybrid between a Hunter S. Thompson novel and a Choose Your Own Adventure book where you made all of the worst possible choices. "Ooooh, I will sit in my basement and start a blog!" *turns page* "Awww, now I am fat and unlovable!"

Anyway, I got the photos, sent them off to Jimmy and took a well-deserved nap.

Next thing I knew, the one and only Matt Farley, of Motern Media, was pounding away on a Yamaha singing one of the best songs he has ever written, with my UTBAPH photos showing in the background all the while. And then the Roots joined in going into the commercial break. And then I fell over and died.

Matt, if you are not already aware, is the world's most prolific songwriter. That is not hyperbole. Matt has written and recorded somewhere in the neighborhood of 18,000 songs, under a slew of different band names, each with their own style and back-story. The whole thing, despite being perhaps a little bit insane (this coming from a guy obsessed with former Pizza Huts) is really incredible. 

I got a few tweets and emails claiming that Jimmy Fallon and/or Matt had ripped me off. Au contraire. The blog had inspired the song a few years back, and Jimmy came across the song on Spotify and fell in love with it.

So that is how that happened. I am immensely proud to have, in my own way from my own little corner of the internet, been involved with the whole thing.

Now go do your civic duty and listen to every Motern Media song on Spotify or iTunes!

After Dark Adult Store in Muncie, Indiana

Rejoice, for this UTBAPH lives on with a mission to keep us satiated and satisfied in ways that lowly greasy pizza could not!

After Dark Adult Store in Muncie, Indiana, gives the people what it wants. And butt plugs. Lots of butt plugs. 

You might be thinking, "But I can't wait until after dark!" Fear not, perv. They open at 10am, so you can get your lady friend patched right up and airtight before lunchtime. 

Many thanks to our friend Andy for checking this location out, maybe buying a few things for those lonely nights (we won't judge), and submitting this fine UTBAPH to the blog.

Switcheroo!

Let's talk candidly, folks. As you know, I am an award-winning blogger, a dedicated humanitarian, and an all-around pretty good liar about my made-up accomplishments.

But one thing that is not made up is that I recently quit my job to write about UTBAPHs full-time, and to start a business. Mostly the latter part. Actually, yeah, very little of the former. Sorry about that. I know you people need to see more photos of Pizza Huts that have been turned into camera shops and whatnot.

But I am pleased to announce a little product I have been working on called Switcheroo, a simple way to change the wiring in your home without running any wires. 

So here. Watch this little video and check out Switcheroo.com, a little idea by yours truly, that I have been working on in between taking pictures of UTBAPHs for some show you might have heard of.

Sam's Seafood & Grill in Halifax, Nova Scotia

Unless you are two-time Stanley Cup winning forward Sidney Crosby, you have probably never actually been to the Pizza Hut in Halifax, Nova Scotia. Not because it wasn't a fantastic place to get snowballs on pizza, or whatever it is they serve as toppings in the Great White North, but because it closed, sadly, several years back.

Now, I know what you are thinking (thanks to a deal I made with the NSA that I am REALLY not supposed to talk about). You are thinking: how do moths survive as a species, if, as soon as I swat at one of them, they turn immediately into dust?

(It is kind of weird that I knew that you were thinking that, right?)

But, besides the moth/dust conundrum, you were probably also thinking about why, in the name of all that is white and snowy, a Pizza Hut would just up and close, especially in an uproariously fun town like Halifax, Nova Scotia.

The answer, my friend, is simple. Probably. I just don't know. Might have had something to do with economies of scale, the sunken cost fallacy, exchange rates, a chimpanzee named Larry, and a lost bet that one man couldn't potty train a moose.

That's all just a guess, obviously. The chimpanzee may have been named Barry.

But, either way, the Pizza Hut in Halifax stuffed its last crust, burnt its last mouth, and washed its last red cup a few years back and some swashbuckler, presumably named Sam (but you know how bad I am at guessing names), opened a new restaurant in its place -- the proudly named Sam's Seafood and Grill.

Nestled between a Wonder Bread truck and a dumpster, in a setup not all that dissimilar to my own digestive tract, Sam's looks to provide quality seafood at a reasonable price to the good people of Halifax. Recognizability as an UTBAPH doesn't trouble Sam, who brazenly slaps his own sign atop the lettering of the former tenant in a defiant act of not really giving a shit.

So here's to Sam, seafood, grills, Wonder Bread, and a chimpanzee named Larry.

Any many thanks to our fair foreign friend Dom for sending this to us.