Maytag Laundry in Stevens Point, WI

I know that buildings, much like gingers and the Dutch, have no souls, but if they did, it is hard to think that the Maytag Laundry in Stevens Point, Wisconsin wouldn't have been crying tears of grease out of its trapezoidal windows upon realizing that a brand spanking new Pizza Hut was being built right next door.

I don't know, maybe it is like the pyramids, where they start to build the next one as soon as a new pharaoh is born. Perhaps another Pizza Hut manager had been born in Stevens Point and a second Pizza Hut had to be hastily erected to accommodate the pre-destined lord of the cheese. 

(Google Image Search returned nothing when I attempted to find a photo of a mustached newborn baby wearing a short sleeve shirt with a tie and a name tag, but that is what Pizza Hut managers look like when they are born.)

Whatever the case, it is kind of awesome to see an UTBAPH right next to a FUTBAPH. (Thats a future UTBAPH, in case you were wondering. Some folks just call them "current Pizza Huts," or, even, showing a complete lack of foresight into the inevitable, simply, "Pizza Huts.")

Call them what you will. FUTBAPHs have a sense of arrogance about them, particularly when standing next to their fallen brethren. Well, FUTBAPH, if you learn but one thing today, let it be this: Don't laugh. You're next.

Here is a screen grab from Google Street View showing the arrangement as of 2008. Note the red roof and smug look of the newer Pizza Hut.

Kudos to Bor, for spotting this odd little arrangement.

Best Catalog of Changing Landscapes

In an oddly specific category, this very blog has been named the unanimous winner of the prestigious "Best Catalog of Changing Landscapes" award, as decided by President Obama, the joint chiefs of staff, and the editorial board of Pittsburgh Magazine.

What this means, besides, of course, a smaller font on my resume to keep my most notable accolades under the recommended 14 page maximum, is that if you pick up the print version of Pittsburgh Magazine this month and do that little thing where you lick your finger to turn the page like 78 or so times, you will find this:

For reference, here is the entire page:

I know what you are thinking, which is that next year I should start a mobile fashion truck in an effort to get a giant photo into the magazine. Broke Little Rich Girl, I am coming after you!

But, full page photo or not, I am very pleased to have won this award and I am very thankful to live in a time when a blog can literally change the world into a dramatically better place which is a lot like the world that existed before the blog except with a handful of friends and family having something to talk about whenever I see them at social gatherings.

To see a list of all of the "Best of the Burgh 2014" winners, click here or pick up a print version for yourself (two, if you want to frame one).

No Name Pizza in Beaufort, NC

I recently took a trip down to Beaufort, NC. I had been told tales of a legendary UTBAPH in Beaufort called "No Name Pizza." Obviously, I had to make a stop to check this gem out in person.

Yours truly in front of No Name Pizza in Beaufort, NC

Regarding the unusual name (or, lack of name, depending on how you see it), I was told by a local that it was a Greek guy that owned the place, and, when asked what he wanted on the sign for his pizza shop, he said, "No name!"

Now if there is one thing I know, it is that you should never argue with a Greek guy, lest they unleash their buddy Yanni on you. Yanni, legend has it, can kill a man with a slingshot and an olive pit from up to 4 kilometers away. But I digress.

The point is, I guess the sign maker in this story also knew of Yanni's projectile prowess and opted instead to take the pizza shop owner literally. The rest, as they say, doesn't involve Yanni and is therefore completely uninteresting to Greek people.

Thanks for the submission, Ken.

Bisbee Breakfast Club in Tucson, AZ

You have heard this story a thousand times before. Five high school students, all different stereotypes, meet in detention, where they pour their hearts out to each other, and discover that, despite all of their differences, their school library is actually a Pizza Hut.

The nerd, the jock, the misfit, the arsonist, and the girl who can put lipstick on with her boobs. I think that covers every possible high school stereotype in 1985.

I forget most of that movie, but I do remember that the entire thing took place in a Hut in Tucson, Arizona. You may have forgotten about the deleted last scene of the movie, when Judd Nelson re-enters the Pizza Hut to begin his career as a delivery driver.

Anyway, that is a great movie and Bisbee Breakfast Club in Tucson, AZ is a great UTBAPH. Many thanks to Terry for sending this in. 

House of Gyro, Salad & Hamburger in Hermitage, TN

When it comes to bizarre restaurant naming, seemingly haphazard and unrelated menu items, and ridiculous minimum credit card amounts, Greek places really have the market cornered. House of Gyro, Salad, and Hamburger in Hermitage, TN (just outside of Nashville) is no exception. When you have to refer to the AP Stylebook to figure out whether or not the Oxford comma belongs in your restaurant name, it is probably time to consider shortening the name.

And I know that it is tempting to include menu items in your restaurant name, but let's leave it at just one item, sort of like the previous tenants of this building did (Pizza Hut, in case you were left confused here).

"Hey Tony we have Coke products here, too. Should we call it 'House of Gyro, Salad, Hamburger, Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, and Daily Rotating Specials (Generally Soups But Sometimes Dessert Items)' instead?"

I will answer for Tony. No. No you should not. Because what happens when the box of Sprite syrup goes dry? Now you have to get a new sign. 

Shoulda thought that one through, Tony.

And I don't know what it is, but every Greek restaurant seems to have a minimum credit card charge, assuming they take credit at all. I always feel like I am at a blackjack table when I see the "$10 MINIMUM" sign near the counter. I don't carry cash, on account of being completely broke, on account of being a blogger, on account of being bullied in middle school. Why do Greek restaurants have to discriminate against bloggers? Now I have to order at least $10 worth of food by myself (again, blogger) and get even fatter than I already am (yep, blogger).

Thanks to Trevor, for sending this in and then quickly deciding what to order from the menu before even setting foot in the restaurant. 

Rice Inn in Bethel Park, PA

Bethel Park, a suburb of Pittsburgh, PA, is the home to many great things, including, but not limited to, Rick Sebak, a national championship high school hockey team, and, of course, an UTBAPH.

If you are thinking what I was thinking when I first became aware of this UTBAPH, which is that it is odd to name a restaurant after poison, well, rest assured, there is no actual ricin used in any of the food prepared at the Rice Inn. On the contrary, the food at the Rice Inn is quite delicious.

Given the name, you might think that local news guy (and owner of the best eyebrows this side of the Mississippi) Ken Rice, of the Pittsburgh CBS affiliate KDKA, is an owner of the Rice Inn. But you would be wrong, as usual (although there is a rumor that Condoleezza Rice sits on the board of directors).

Yours truly hanging out with Ken Rice at the Rice Inn

Still, Ken and I met up at the Rice Inn so that he and a cameraman could watch my terribly unruly kids and embarrassed wife try, unsuccessfully, to eat with chopsticks and act like a normal family. Fun times. Hopefully they lost the footage.

Ken proceeded to ask me all kinds of questions about UTBAPHs. Questions like:

• "What is wrong with you?"
• "Aren't there much better things to be doing with your time?"
• "Do your kids get made fun of at school because their daddy is a blogger?"
• "Can you please stop jabbing me in the eyebrows with chopsticks?"

And I like to think that Ken learned a lot that day, not just about UTBAPHs, but also about why you should never try to put a socially inept, introverted blogger on TV.

The Yakima County Morgue in Yakima, WA

When I think of UTBAPHs, I think of death. Work with me here.

The death of a Pizza Hut, sad as it may be, almost always leads to a resurrection of sorts, often in the form of a Mexican restaurant, custom trophy shop, or flooring place.

With respect to the deceased, I don't know that I could think of a better place to be temporarily interred than an UTBAPH (and I am not just saying that because my friends have called my obsession with former Pizza Huts "deeply troubling, at best").

The Yakima County Morgue may not be flashy (or, even, adequately marked), but what it lacks in showiness, it more than makes up for in utility. For one, the walk-in cooler, I think it is fair to assume, is put to good use in this UTBAPH. Moreover, identifying a loved one with the benefit of a heat lamp is probably adequate, at least, but maybe even somewhat comforting (lots of speculation in this post).

So the point is that if you do have to die, what better place to do so than Yakima. It might even be better than living there (no offense, living people of Yakima).

Thanks to Anna for sending this one in.

Update: I am told that this is no longer operating as the morgue, so we will see what it becomes in its next afterlife. Stay tuned.