PSA: for this email // stands for the clapping emoji.

Hola!!  (Saturday is my P-day)

Guys.  I'm here.  In the center of Happy Valley.  Surrounded by Happy Valley freaks. (jk the people are cool)  It's crazy-pants.  Sometimes I feel more lost than a froot loop in a bag of cheetos.  It's tough but it's good!  (Look up that vine of the fake Caitlyn Jenner, it sounds whack but it's actually one of my faves.)

My dudes, we sit and study.  ALL DAY.  We go to class at 8:30 and stick it there til lunch and then do different types of studying.  Good thing, I know a lot more Spanish than I thought!  It's been nice to at least kind of understand my teacher because he/she will speak only in Spanish the entire time we're in class, except for when we ask about what somethings means, which happens often lol.  My comp, Hermana Naluai, and I taught our first (fake) investigator yesterday and the lesson was about 5 minutes long haha, but we teach her again today and hopefully it will go better than it did yesterday.  We've definitely prepared a lot more material.

Naluai is so cool!  We're basically the same person and people keep saying we look like sisters.  Funny story!  When Peter (Syd's name for Gretchen) and I and the Brimleys and the others went to the temple on thursdays my senior year we saw Naluai all the time!  We just never talked haha.  It's fun to have a familiar face be my comp.

My district is fun, we're the only pair of sisters with 5 sets of elders.  They're all pretty loud and funny, they're getting used to talking to girls haha the first day was rough cuz they were in super missionary mode and would slightly ignore us haha.

AIGHT.  now that you've read about the bueno, here's the tea on my SAVAGE first day.

some info pre-story. I love food.  Food makes me happy.  Sydney without her food is an unhappy camper, missionary, person, extraterrestrial being, etc.

anyways,

My mom and I drove to the MTC and were utterly aghast at the truly gnarly amount of vehicles waiting to enter the MTC.  Like, wHAt?!  who knew that Utah had so many mormons what the john.  After we made our way through the line and said goodbye, I went in and was directed various places until I dropped my stuff off and went straight to the spanish only class and then had .3829356 seconds to write an email to my fam, instructed only in spanish smh (shake my head), and then when back to class and then straight to a meeting that was a loooowwwng time.

And then we had DINNER @ 4:15.

(I put that by itself so y'all would understand the importance of this statement.)

Dinner at 4:15?!?!?!

**(Say it louder for the people in the back!)**

DINNER AT 4:15??

// ya // girl // necesita // la // comida //

like, come on people.  this was not a drill, this was not a practical joke, we ate at 4:15 and then had class until 9. )':  

lol, but other than that first scary happening, life is good.  They feed us at acceptable hours now.  We are no longing staging a coup and taking over the cafeteria.

<3 LOVE!! <3

the kewlest mish in el MTC

HH

ps, we visit the temple from 12:30 til whenever on Saturdays so if you happen to be carrying TBell that direction during that time and we happen to bump into each other and you happen to give me a bit of ya taco bell, who am I to turn down such a kind and caring act of service from a fellow child of God?  Lol. (;

PSA from Denice - Sydney's actual temple walk day is on Sunday so please don't try to bump into her on a Saturday // Also all italicized words are my translation of Sydney slang.

Obviously not a mtc picture but one from the day before checking in to the mtc. Good times. 

Called to Serve

March 28, 2017
Dear Sister Hyer:
You are hereby called to serve as a missionary of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You are assigned to labor in the Argentina Bahia Blanca Mission. It is anticipated that you will serve for a period of 18 months.

Spyce Gentlemen's Club in Eugene, Oregon

Good sir, might I borrow your ear for a moment?

You are a classy guy, right? Upstanding. Church-going. A pillar of the community. Some may hasten to call you a chap, or a fellow, but you and I both know that you are nothing short of a gentleman.

And, for gentlemen such as yourself, there is nothing better than being in the company of other like-minded men. Perhaps, while donning a smoking jacket and sharing some titillating conversation with your social peers, you would also like to see the backside of a, shall we say, lady.

In this case, I do believe that you would be filled with delight to hear that there is a very exclusive club for this exact purpose.

Now now, don't be alarmed by its appearance. This place is nothing but class. Consider the exterior to be a disguise. Friends may see you slinking out of your car and into the side door and assume that you are just grabbing a pan pizza from the 90s. They do not have to know about the exclusive club of which you are a member.

After all, we don't want everyone to find out about the club, lest it get so crowded that you barely have room to swirl your glass of brandy and then ask your waitress/dancer, Brandi, for another glass of brandy (it gets confusing in there).

Now, how they fit the appropriate sized "dancing pole" inside a former Pizza Hut is beyond me, but I am sure that Spyce has all of these details figured out behind those blacked out windows.

Many thanks to Lauren for submitting this classy UTBAPH and DEFINITELY NEVER working there in college a little bit to make ends meet, which she would have totally regretted.

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon Did Not Used to Be a Pizza Hut

The Tonight Show, in all of its incarnations, wheelings, dealings, and disgruntled former ginger hosts, was never a Pizza Hut.

So why is it on this blog? That is the question that I had, when, a few days ago, I noticed some traffic on the site coming from NBC/Universal HQ.

Things got even stranger when, out of the blue, an email hit my inbox asking me for a few photos of UTBAPHs that could be used on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon.

Now, had this been Jimmy Kimmel, I might have slid the email into my "Wasn't that the guy from the Man Show?" folder and that would have been that.

But this was no Jimmy Kimmel. This was the real deal. The actual Jimmy Fallon's producer's underling's intern's assistant's helper was emailing ME!

So I did what any self-respecting blogger would do. I cleared off the rest of my calendar (there were some Pringles crumbs on it from dinner the night before) and got in my car. There were UTBAPHs to be photographed.

"Why not just use the photos that are on your website already?" you might ask. I mean, the assumption is that they only contacted me in the first place because, in case you didn't notice, I have the world's largest collection of photos of places that used to be Pizza Huts.

It has something to do with rights and lawyers and Google suing the pants off of Jimmy Fallon if he uses Street View screen shots. Fortunately, I am allowed to use these images on my blog because of a little provision of the law called "Fair Use," which, translated from weird legalese mumbo-jumbo, means that nobody actually looks at this blog and I can do whatever the hell I want on it, as long as it keeps me from acting out in real life. Or something. My therapist is not exactly a legal expert.

So here I was, on a road trip photographing UTBAPHs, like some kind of hybrid between a Hunter S. Thompson novel and a Choose Your Own Adventure book where you made all of the worst possible choices. "Ooooh, I will sit in my basement and start a blog!" *turns page* "Awww, now I am fat and unlovable!"

Anyway, I got the photos, sent them off to Jimmy and took a well-deserved nap.

Next thing I knew, the one and only Matt Farley, of Motern Media, was pounding away on a Yamaha singing one of the best songs he has ever written, with my UTBAPH photos showing in the background all the while. And then the Roots joined in going into the commercial break. And then I fell over and died.

Matt, if you are not already aware, is the world's most prolific songwriter. That is not hyperbole. Matt has written and recorded somewhere in the neighborhood of 18,000 songs, under a slew of different band names, each with their own style and back-story. The whole thing, despite being perhaps a little bit insane (this coming from a guy obsessed with former Pizza Huts) is really incredible. 

I got a few tweets and emails claiming that Jimmy Fallon and/or Matt had ripped me off. Au contraire. The blog had inspired the song a few years back, and Jimmy came across the song on Spotify and fell in love with it.

So that is how that happened. I am immensely proud to have, in my own way from my own little corner of the internet, been involved with the whole thing.

Now go do your civic duty and listen to every Motern Media song on Spotify or iTunes!

After Dark Adult Store in Muncie, Indiana

Rejoice, for this UTBAPH lives on with a mission to keep us satiated and satisfied in ways that lowly greasy pizza could not!

After Dark Adult Store in Muncie, Indiana, gives the people what it wants. And butt plugs. Lots of butt plugs. 

You might be thinking, "But I can't wait until after dark!" Fear not, perv. They open at 10am, so you can get your lady friend patched right up and airtight before lunchtime. 

Many thanks to our friend Andy for checking this location out, maybe buying a few things for those lonely nights (we won't judge), and submitting this fine UTBAPH to the blog.

Switcheroo!

Let's talk candidly, folks. As you know, I am an award-winning blogger, a dedicated humanitarian, and an all-around pretty good liar about my made-up accomplishments.

But one thing that is not made up is that I recently quit my job to write about UTBAPHs full-time, and to start a business. Mostly the latter part. Actually, yeah, very little of the former. Sorry about that. I know you people need to see more photos of Pizza Huts that have been turned into camera shops and whatnot.

But I am pleased to announce a little product I have been working on called Switcheroo, a simple way to change the wiring in your home without running any wires. 

So here. Watch this little video and check out Switcheroo.com, a little idea by yours truly, that I have been working on in between taking pictures of UTBAPHs for some show you might have heard of.

Sam's Seafood & Grill in Halifax, Nova Scotia

Unless you are two-time Stanley Cup winning forward Sidney Crosby, you have probably never actually been to the Pizza Hut in Halifax, Nova Scotia. Not because it wasn't a fantastic place to get snowballs on pizza, or whatever it is they serve as toppings in the Great White North, but because it closed, sadly, several years back.

Now, I know what you are thinking (thanks to a deal I made with the NSA that I am REALLY not supposed to talk about). You are thinking: how do moths survive as a species, if, as soon as I swat at one of them, they turn immediately into dust?

(It is kind of weird that I knew that you were thinking that, right?)

But, besides the moth/dust conundrum, you were probably also thinking about why, in the name of all that is white and snowy, a Pizza Hut would just up and close, especially in an uproariously fun town like Halifax, Nova Scotia.

The answer, my friend, is simple. Probably. I just don't know. Might have had something to do with economies of scale, the sunken cost fallacy, exchange rates, a chimpanzee named Larry, and a lost bet that one man couldn't potty train a moose.

That's all just a guess, obviously. The chimpanzee may have been named Barry.

But, either way, the Pizza Hut in Halifax stuffed its last crust, burnt its last mouth, and washed its last red cup a few years back and some swashbuckler, presumably named Sam (but you know how bad I am at guessing names), opened a new restaurant in its place -- the proudly named Sam's Seafood and Grill.

Nestled between a Wonder Bread truck and a dumpster, in a setup not all that dissimilar to my own digestive tract, Sam's looks to provide quality seafood at a reasonable price to the good people of Halifax. Recognizability as an UTBAPH doesn't trouble Sam, who brazenly slaps his own sign atop the lettering of the former tenant in a defiant act of not really giving a shit.

So here's to Sam, seafood, grills, Wonder Bread, and a chimpanzee named Larry.

Any many thanks to our fair foreign friend Dom for sending this to us.