Sig's Gourmet Butcher Shop in Derby, Kansas

Alright we have a lot to get to, so let's just plow right into this one.

You honestly can't get better than a good neighborhood butcher shop. Most UTBAPHs are lateral moves, at best, but this is an exception. Our buddy Sig, presumably of Deadliest Catch fame, has done us a solid by moving his crab-fishing operation as far inland as a human can get, and swapping out those disgusting sea-insects for some honest-to-goodness slabs of meat.

And not just any meat. Oh no. You want some processed bologna-like food substance, you can go elsewhere. This is gourmet meat. Shit you probably never even heard of. Shit you definitely don't deserve, but will buy anyway because you are terrible with making reasonable decisions (I am basing this assumption on recent presidential election polls).

So if you live within 900 (or so) miles of Derby, Kansas (who does?), then do yourself a favor by clearing the Bagel Bites out of your chest freezer to make room for as much gourmet meat as your fat squatty little arms can wrap around down at Sig's. You won't be disappointed. Probably. I have no idea. I have never been there. It could be total crap.

Copycat in California, PA

A copy shop in California, PA called Copycat. Apparently, they also sold pagers at one point. Maybe still. You never know when you are going to need a pager.

The Country Biscuit Restaurant in New Bern, NC

Normally when an UTBAPH located in some Podunk town is submitted, I make fun of the little town, and, by extension, the submitter of said UTBAPH.

(Side note, you should really follow the link above to learn more about Podunk, then get lost on Wikipedia researching all kinds of useless crap until you get bored and come back to this fantastic site.)

I am going to waive my normal mocking tradition today, and for a special reason. This particular gem of an UTBAPH was submitted by my particular gem of a mother, from her particular gem of a hometown. 

You might be starting to see why this poses an issue for my standard format. 

So instead of making fun of The Country Biscuit or New Bern, North Carolina, and the lovely people living there, I will simply say that this is one fine UTBAPH. See for yourself:

I bet you can get some delicious food here. I, for one, love southern cooking. It is like regular cooking, only if you took away the real food part of the food and replaced it with something amounting, in terms of all physical properties, to fried butter. The only way to get the south to stop loving trans fat is if they thought that it had something to do with Caitlyn Jenner.

It looks like they stacked some HVAC equipment up there on the roof hump. Hey, have at it, Country Biscuit. You are the ruler of this domain now. Stack some more crap up there. Maybe a few of those old wooden console TV sets that, when they break, you don't know whether to call an electrician or a carpenter.

But I digress. I really do love New Bern, North Carolina. And trans fat. And wooden TVs.

Special thanks to my Mom, not only for sending this one in, but for being the biggest (possibly only) fan of this blog, and for, you know, my entire existence.

Liquor Hut in Blackwood, NJ

Oh New Jersey. Whatever will we do with you? From your swamps to your strip malls, you really have it all. I, for one, really like beaches that charge you for the pleasure of collecting cigarette butts out of the sand, so New Jersey is a place that is always in my top 47 list of states I like to visit.

But, all kidding aside, New Jersey really is a terrible hellhole of a state. There is no punchline there. I fact-checked it on Wikipedia, and that is what it said.

Despite being the armpit of America, there are a few shining relics in the Garden State. Namely, the Liquor Hut. I like the business owners who recognize that, despite their complete inability to drive like the sane human beings that they probably aren't, New Jersey residents can generally recognize basic shapes, like "huts."

Now I don't want to launch into a whole diatribe about what is and isn't a shape, but I think that we have come to a point with this blog where we can all recognize that "hut" is a shape. Circle, square, rhombus, hut. These are probably the top 4 shapes out there right now. Sorry, triangle. 

So when you have a good, recognizable, definitely real shape like "hut," you don't want to go and do something hasty like change the name of the place and confuse your clientele. Pizza Hut = hut that sells pizza. Liquor Hut = hut that sells liquor. Simple. Just figure out what you need, jump in your Trans Am, and head in the direction of the appropriately named hut. 

Now I know that I will get literally tens of emails about how there is nothing wrong with New Jersey and I should stop saying such things and that I am just promoting bad stereotypes and that my credit card bill is past due and the like, but I did not quit my job to start a meaningless blog just to pander to my audience, no sir.

So keep on trucking, Liquor Hut. Keep the Miller Lite and Mad Dog flowing. The people of New Jersey need you.

Special thanks to Reggie for submitting this UTBAPH. You can blame Reggie for anything you didn't like about this post.

Augusta Full Gospel Church in Augusta, Georgia

If you are looking for the REAL leaderboard in Augusta this week, look no further than the Augusta Full Gospel Church in, you guessed it, Savannah Augusta.

Full gospel churches, for those who are not in the know, can easily be Googled so that someone who is, say, for example, writing a snarky blog post, could, if he so desired, find out what they are. Key word here is "could."

But let's forget about the percentage of gospelness that this church provides -- full, partial, or otherwise. What intrigues me so much about UTBAPH churches (aside from the fact that people actually go to them at all) is the interior configuration. I really want to hop on a random white van sometime (assuming that most of them take you straight to UTBAPH churches) and check one out. Because the only doors on an UTBAPH (as we all know) are symmetrically placed on the sides, between the dining area and the kitchen. Where, then, would an altar be in such a configuration? Presumably it would be somewhere near the doors. I feel like, were you so inclined, you could easily to jump right to the front of a communion line, assuming that you timed your arrival properly to a church of said layout.

Look, I am not suggesting that everyone who attends an UTBAPH church should arrive 45 minutes late and skip to the head of the communion line. I don't want hoards of otherwise well-meaning churchgoers to pick up on this blog post and pass it along to all of their UTBAPH-church-attending friends and start some sort of campaign that goes viral and becomes all of the rage this summer. That would be chaos. And if there is one thing I don't like, it is people who eat chips loudly in the cubicle next to mine, but if there are two things that I don't like, they are people who eat chips loudly in the cube next to mine, and chaos.

But my curiosity regarding the layout of UTBAPH churches is genuine, so I encourage all of you hordes of affluent golf aficionados who are in Augusta this week to swing by and check this place out. Maybe dump that Sunday pass that you have (nothing good ever happens on Sunday in a golf tournament anyway, right Phil?) and head over to the Augusta Full Gospel Church and snap a few photos.

But don't disrupt the service.

Seafood & Chicken Express in Meridian, MS

Now here is a quality UTBAPH. I take my participation in the chicken-and-seafood-eating community very seriously. I have deviated (haven't we all, in weaker moments?) to other forms of food here and there, but I always find my way back to seafood, chicken, and the best of both worlds: the confusingly-named Chicken of the Sea brand tuna.

There aren't many places that cater, specifically, to those of us who prefer our poultry and pike-fish, our white meat and walleye, our fowl and flounder, our (I ran out of words for chicken already) and mackerel, but, to the establishments that do, I salute you.

Because, honestly -- and I am saying this as a person who may or may not have a combination of salmonella and mercury poisoning -- who the hell likes steak anyway? Thick, tender, juicy, delicious steak barely even sounds appetizing to me. What I am looking for is chicken and seafood, as quickly as it can be prepared while still (barely) being safe to consume.

If you are looking for the same thing, then look no further than Seafood & Chicken Express in Meridian, MS.

Submitted by our dear friend and fellow semi-vegetarian Steve Ross, the original floor-to-ceiling corner windows on this UTBAPH are glorious. It just feels like you could go and stand in that corner and look out on the world like a fish in a tank, waiting to be plucked from your safe haven, fried to order, and eaten by a grumpy fat dude in two bites. What a way to go.

If I ever find myself lost in Mississippi, as soon as I get done berating my travel agent and exhausting all other options for escaping, I will try to make my way over to Seafood & Chicken Express, stand in the corner window, and dream about a perfectly grilled filet mignon piece of chicken.

Church of Our Savior in Boynton Beach, FL

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today near the salad bar to celebrate the union of two lovely people, Geno and Denise. It is good to see all of the booths full, and even a handful of people waiting to be seated. I am told that the wait will be no more than 30-45 minutes.

Somebody, at some point, probably got married in an old Pizza Hut, and that puts a smile on my face. Imagine the happy couple, stepping out of the side door near the tabletop Pac-Man machine, having breadsticks thrown at them as they begin their new lives together as man and wife.

So, raise your red plastic cups for the newlyweds, and enjoy a piece of delicious, stuffed-crust wedding cake (the first topping was free!), as we celebrate what is, without a doubt, one of the tackiest locations to get married ever.